Sometimes when I have to write, I just have to write, with no reason or direction. Writing is powerful. Call it free association, call it what you must. One might call her a mad woman. I pulled a syringe from her mouth today. She is miserable. Lightly chatting, trying to pass the time and avoid a blow up- failed. She injected her insulin and then questioned how someone could get the retractable needle from the syringe and proceeded to eat it. I saw what I thought was a rabid fox the other day. We are all mad I suppose. My mind lusts, yet my heart is true. I smoke, yet I know it will kill me. I’ve almost died several times. I credit my point of view to this fact. I’ve been burned, fallen, crashed, almost hit by a train, electrocuted, and put myself in many compromising situations. I once rode my mountain bike across a century old, crumbling, bridge. Wood fell into the river. I survived. Do I think I’m special? I think we all have unique knowledge and abilities. I don’t always appreciate mine, or deserve it.
I know things no one else knows, and still, I know nothing. My teeth hurt. Hopefully $400 next month will solve that. I hate the Internet. I was forced to use a self checkout the other day at Home Depot. I spend a lot of time and money at Home Depot lately, because my bathroom flooded. My dog has fleas. I don’t agree with all the cameras and automatic citations. I probably love you more than you’ll ever know. One among many or are we all counted as one? Salt and vinegar chips are my vice. I love life and hate it in pieces, so small and wonderful. Some people spend a lifetime never seeing or feeling what I was born with. There is another world here on this planet. A world you can not see, touch, feel, or even explain. It does not need to be explained. It is what it is. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong, or is what we call wrong right? There will always be something to work on and we will all die in the process. Being ok with that is my goal. I do not fear death. I do not fear pain. Avoiding pain is favorable to voluntary pain, yet we hurt ourselves again and again; a puzzle indeed.
The story is less important than the message is sends. What will they remember? Maybe nothing, but that’s not important. What is important? Each and every individual’s experience and understanding of what it means to them. Some of the people who called me a fag in high school are now openly gay. Ironic to only them. People ask me what I’m going to be when I finish school. I’m going to be me. That’s all I’ve ever been and will ever be. Same goes from everyone, although they wouldn’t all agree with me, but that’s ok. There is joy in knowing... and contentment. My goals are simple and undefined. My car burns a quart of oil every 1,000 miles, but nothing’s wrong with it. They designed it that way. What can I do about it? Nothing. There is a lesson everyday. It is up to me to decide what I learn and what I don’t, the teachings will be there regardless. Cyndi Lauper made fun music.
Drug addicts will always find a way to get what they need, why can’t everyone else. Because what they want isn’t what I want. I want many things. The important bases are covered. I don’t follow sports, but I enjoy them. No one’s ever given me anything. Nobody co-signed for any loans, no one gave me a car or land or a house. No one’s paid my way for school or any of my bills. I’ve never been given anything. I’ve never inherited anything. I’ve never won anything or been blessed with dumb luck. Anything I’ve ever had, or will have, material or otherwise, has been, and will continue to be, solely the product of my own hard work. Do you have what it takes to win at this game called life? Initiative, perseverance, patients, courage, tolerance for pain, preparation, priorities, valor, brute strength, compassion, forgiveness, introspection, imagination, faith, perspective, self esteem, self worth, empathy, sympathy, motivation, fear, peace, stamina, and most importantly, love. Notice how money isn’t mentioned. Your money will buy you nothing- only trash. This rambling piece of writing is probably riddled with typos, and for that (and nothing else) I apologize.
