not checked for typos yet
It’s snowed about a foot in the last day and I’m stuck inside with nothing to do. I killed some time by fixing my resume and cover letter for a job I’m applying for and then I browsed my friends’ profiles at myspace. That got boring, so now I’m listening to music and typing. I have a video game to play, but I did that already. I should be working on the book I’m writing; I should be doing a lot of things I guess. Today was a good snow day though. My snow tires work well. Now I can get going but I can’t stop, because I need brakes. There’s always something. I’ve been smoke free for just over 2 weeks and haven’t eaten meat for about the same time. Calculating the difference between the time I quit smoking and the time I stopped eating meat is getting really annoying, so from now on I’m going to say I did it at the same time; so, I’ve been smoke and meat free for two weeks. Anyway, I feel great. I’m finally able to really relax and it feels good. I don’t mean “finally” because I haven’t been able to relax since I quit. I haven’t really relaxed since I became a smoker (1995) because there is always the underlying internal clock that defines time by ability to smoke. It's actually very sad and I feel stupid for smoking as long as I did. I very very rarely feel stupid. I have few regrets, but smoking is definitely one of them. So far… I think I probably have about 5 regrets. If I continue at this rate and live to 100, that’s less than 20 for a whole lifetime. Most of my regrets turned out to be milestones or at least learning experiences, so in the end, I have even fewer major regrets… smoking may turn out to be on that list as well though. I thought it would be fun to make a list of pet peeves. Anyone who knows me at all knows I don’t like much of anything. On the other hand, I am passionate about the things I do like. I have a sort of all-or-nothing personality I suppose.
Just some of my pet peeves in no particular order
Cream cheese packaging: seriously, is it really necessary that it be so complicated?
“Gangster” rap: What the hell is wrong with you? It’s so stupid, all of it.
Spare tires: Why can’t they all just be full size? And why do I need an aerospace degree to figure out how to get at it?
Racism: from both sides, all sides, whatever. Get over it you losers.
Double-sided sticky tape: tape just wasn’t meant to be sticky on both sides and then it never sticks right anyway!
Prepaying for gas: Just put an “in” before “convenience store” and get it over with, you ass holes. I wasn’t the one who stole your precious gas. You should have enough money to cover it since you’ve been gouging me for years.
Rich people: fuck you and fuck your fucking problems
Junk mail: I’d like to think everyone throws it away without reading it, but someone must do it. Do the world a favor and read the glossy rifle ad and slip into a deep depression.
People who ride motorcycles without helmets: yeah, you look really cool. Tell me all about that personal preference thing… once you learn how to speak again. I worked with a patient who thought it was cool to ride without one. He could tell you why you shouldn’t, but wait… he died after suffering for months with traumatic brain damage which caused him to become paranoid and delusional.
Drunk drivers: you wont have to worry about jail time if you kill someone I love, because I’ll kill you
Advertisements: Especially television and radio. I don’t think any ad that has 30 seconds of fast-spoken disclaimers and warnings should be allowed. Who is buying all this shit? And with what money? Get a grip America. You may want to send your kids to school or even retire. Stop buying shit you don’t need. Advertisements are just pretty lies for shitty products with miserable services.
People who don’t listen: what makes you think it’s ok to talk so much? Shut up. Please!! Shut up.
Cocky bicyclists: Don’t think you can hog half the friggin’ lane and then NOT stop at the red light. You can’t have it both ways!! Either you’re pretending to be a car or you're not!! And take off that ridiculous lycra, you're not in the tour da france.
Censorship: People have the right to be really really stupid and to try to spread their really really stupid thoughts and ideas. If God gave us freewill, I don’t think it’s fair for the Government (or sexually repressed housewives with nothing better to do) to take it away. The shame should not be on the sender, but on the people who are receiving it. There would be no supply if there wasn’t a demand. Hypocrites.
Teenage drivers: You suck; you might think you don’t, but I bet you think a lot of things don’t you? Superficial, rubber necking, egotistical, morons. You and your loser generation are the only ones who think you’re cool. I will run you off the fucking road.
DVDs: I can’t remember a time when had to stop a VHS movie and interrupt the movie because of a flaw in the VHS cassette. DVDs are a corporate ploy so people will have to rebuy more frequently. Letterbox: WHY? I don’t give a shit if the movie is in its original aspect ratio!! I can barely see it now anyway. Why do some movies offer full screen and some don’t. Is it really that difficult?
Cell phones: Just stop. It’s getting ridiculous. It’s just an extension of your obnoxious personality.
Cars: Your car payment is how much? And NOBODY cares except you. Isn’t that cool?
Generation “Loser”: Prove me wrong kids. For the future of this country and the world, prove me wrong.
American values: It would almost be funny if it weren’t so sickening. Drugged up clowns with no deeper thought than their pockets, which they borrowed (with interest), from the unstoppable machine of broken finance, built in a sand pit of lies and images of ideals that don’t even exist!! Too ashamed or tricked to admit it’s too late. It’s too fucked up to fix; not that anyone will bother to fix it anyway, because they’re too busy perfecting their own private lies. The solution: blame it on the war, blame it on Bush, blame it on something that can’t be proven so there will always be a chance it’s not our fault we committed suicide.
Easy-open cans: was it really that much work to use a can opener?
Automated customer service: What a joke. I’d like to speak to a human, and can you at least speak my language please?
Current industry: You took my job and money away and now you expect me to find a way to buy your products and invest in your stock? That system is fatally flawed. I’m left to serve in an informational capacity. When times get rough, the products that really matter are the ones that actually exist!! How’s that for some information?!
Guns for protection: You’re not Rambo. If your gun is locked up properly, it will not do any good against intruders anyway. There are plenty non-lethal protection devices. Each year, over 200 kids (under age 18) are killed unintentionally by guns. If you own a gun for protection, you might as well walk into your local school and blow away someone’s son or daughter, because that’s what you’re doing.
People who start calling me by name before they really know me: It doesn’t make you seem more personable, it’s just creepy.
Lack of perspective: Where do you get off thinking you’ve got it so bad? I’m sick of all the moaning. We all bitch and complain sometimes, which is completely understandable, but some people have such a limited perspective, which doesn’t seem to extend any further than their mirror. I’ve meet some people who have something to bitch about and they weren’t you. And what makes you think you’re better? Your what? Untouchable? Invincable? It could be you. It could be you tomorrow, so suspend your judgment long enough to find out.
Legislated values: First of all, this problem steams from the fact that the only people stupid and boring enough to care about creating ridiculous legislation are uptight, pompous, windbags with nothing better to do. Daddy actually worked to make the money; you just know how to play with it. And play they do. I was floored the other day when I read a proposal to ban smoking in private vehicles when kids are in the car. I shouldn’t have to type this next part, but I stopped assuming people were smart a long time ago: smoking in the car with kids is not smart or good, or healthy, or any of that. One could argue that it is morally wrong to expose your kids to the harmful toxins in secondhand smoke and I would agree. HOWEVER; we can not allow the government and law enforcement to become the guardians of private moral and ethical issues. Public health is one thing. The public domain is created and controlled by laws and politics. People’s private lives must remain their own. The freedom we enjoy in America allows for stupidity, mistakes, and downright wrongdoing. You have the right to do the wrong thing and choose to ruin your kid’s lungs. Maybe that kid will go on to become a smoker or maybe he’ll go on to become a strong anti-smoking advocate. Either way, we must protect our right to create our own future. It should not be molded by authority figures. This isn’t Russia. People can not be forced into morality. Cart. Horse. Get it right America.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Mortality: the condition of being certain to die eventually
Thoughts of mortality sting my heart by night. I lie in bed and stare into the darkness of my room. The problems of another day have passed, yet I remain troubled by the transitory nature of it all. We named it time and it destroyed us. As sure as your heart will fail you, this world will falter, be it by the hands of man or the hands of time. Billions before me, billions after, and every song ever sung will be forgotten in the vacuum of space and time will cease. I have watched my hands grow old. My hands were once smooth and strong; jagged scars and painful joints now remind me of my past and future. I am broken.
I wonder where my piece of cold earth waits. Have I walked among my kin? Have I passed by, oblivious? No, I do not enjoy this illusion. Death has been with me always: on the playground as a child, in my reflection as a teen, watching from the office as I work, and sitting beside me while I pray. As I frolicked and played, I suffered deep sorrow and regret. I have seen the future and it haunts me. Mankind haunts me. As a ten year old, playing in the school yard, I saw myself at age 20, 30, 50, and beyond. I witnessed my own death and stood among my mourners until they too had passed. The stained lining of my casket gave away, the ground reclaimed my tomb, and the world went black. And from above I felt the power of God.
I wonder where my piece of cold earth waits. Have I walked among my kin? Have I passed by, oblivious? No, I do not enjoy this illusion. Death has been with me always: on the playground as a child, in my reflection as a teen, watching from the office as I work, and sitting beside me while I pray. As I frolicked and played, I suffered deep sorrow and regret. I have seen the future and it haunts me. Mankind haunts me. As a ten year old, playing in the school yard, I saw myself at age 20, 30, 50, and beyond. I witnessed my own death and stood among my mourners until they too had passed. The stained lining of my casket gave away, the ground reclaimed my tomb, and the world went black. And from above I felt the power of God.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Parking Meter
This parking meter represents another step toward a fully automated society and the destruction of the human race. If they (the Government, corporations, etc.) can replace you with a machine, they will.
It started a long time ago in the manufacturing industry, people were replaced by machines. Make no mistake: corporations only care about their bottom line. They don’t care about the individuals who work for them and they don’t care about the economy as a whole, unless the economic tide affects them directly. Some corporations claim they care about keeping products affordable for their customers. That’s almost as sick as the advertisements they cram into your brain every day. When was the last time you noticed prices going down or even staying the same? They try to blame higher prices on inflation, overhead, “quality control”, or whatever, but the truth is, prices go up because of greed, greed on the part of corporations, and greed on the part of consumers. The consumer always gets screwed; if you’ve ever bought anything, you know this by now. 10% of the population controls 90% of the money. You and I are glorified slaves. My real concern, regarding what I call The Robotic Revolution, is not money.
People are quite egotistical to start with. Many people think they are always right and believe they are better than everyone else. People are also incredibly entitled. Where do these gross miscalculations of importance originate from? I can’t say for sure, but I do know that I see it every single day. People walk it, drive it, talk it, and show it in their actions. If accused, some would deny any feelings of superiority, because it goes against their overblown self image. Most people don’t even care. And that’s where my real concern is. Automation eliminates human contact and interaction. It promotes self-indulgence and nurtures self-centeredness. Automation leads to demoralization, lack of values, and lack of social imagination. We will end up with entire generations who don’t know how to relate. Maybe they are already here. I believe this is only the beginning. Don’t be fooled by advances in electronic communications. Text messaging and social networking websites don’t exactly fill the void, they replace it with a cheap imitation.
So, excuse me if I don’t feel like using my credit card at a parking meter and then receiving a text message when my time is running out. The trouble is, someday I will be forced to use it. Just like how I’ve been forced to use the self check-out at Home Depot. Am I the only one who thinks having a robotic camera take pictures of my license plate when the time runs out on my parking meter is not right? Where’s the life in that? What about the part where you see the meter-maid, sprint toward the car, and hope you get there first. What about the personal interaction, where you try to talk yourself out of the ticket. What about the simple thrill of being able to park illegally and hopping you don’t get caught? Where do these learning experiences go when an automatic parking meter is installed?
The solution for illegal immigrants is not to build a wall. The solution for teen pregnancy is not to hand out contraceptives at school. The solution for stopping crime is not to add more police. These are merely reactions to existing problems. This world’s solutions start with you, by how you act, how you relate, and how you raise your kids.
Honestly, I believe it is too late. I believe the world will continue to spin out of control until the day it is destroyed. I will not go down without a fight. I will not bend to the ways of a broken planet. Others will continue to live however they choose. I truly believe they will get what they deserve- Garbage in, garbage out.
Next time you use a self check-out, pay at the pump, use the ATM, send a text message, or even park your car in Vancouver, remember the price you are paying for your added convenience.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The Pain of Love
I recently left a comment on a friend’s blog. She says she’s in love. I warned her regarding the “gut-wrenching pain” that goes along with love. She asked me to elaborate. And so…
I’ve been in love with the same girl since the age of 14, in 1993. We’ve been a couple for 11 years and married for… 8 of those years. Our anniversary is today oddly enough. As for the gut-wrenching pain; Love, all by itself, is very simple and wonderful; Being “in love” is a much more complicated state. Staying in love is an active process, or to put it plainly, it takes a lot of work- and not the starry-eyed, music-in-the-background work; No, it’s the old fashion kind- hard and sometimes painful. When you are in love with someone, you must realize the risks you are agreeing to. Some of the potential causes for pain are merely possibilities, others are almost guaranteed, and one is inevitable. Not all of these lead to a break up. Experiencing pain in a relationship is not a maybe. It will happen. Sometimes you will feel as if there is no hope. Sometimes there really is no hope and it ends, but other times, it is just a feeling that passes.
Here are just 15 of the potential causes for pain when dealing with love. All of these categories have very intricate frameworks. Each person attaches his or her own meanings and emotions to all of life’s dealings. Every person is unique, every couple is unique, and time constantly changes everything. Similar events at different times create unique actions and reactions.
1. Cheating
Old school, but it still hurts like hell. People have written books about each of these topics, so my short blurbs are only a taste. Cheating is usually a symptom of a larger problem, or a problem that was not addressed in time. Unresolved problems grow into a larger problems, and thus… the pain. The pain from cheating is multifaceted. The cheater is often riddled with guilt, the partner is wracked with insecurity and the other party is left cold. There are many more possible outcomes of course, but all lead to pain for everyone. In cases where breaking up is the best solution, cheating can eventually lead to a positive resolution for one or more members. It is important to remember that cheating does not always refer to an outside relationship with a person. Cheating is one of many ways to achieve deception. Some people have affairs with other people; some have affairs with alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, shopping, money, or any other activity that results in lying.
2. Growing apart
Life changes all the time and people change with it. Chances are, the person you fell in love with possesses certain traits that are different from your own, and this factored into why you fell in love with them in the first place. When you first meet someone and fall in love, there are typically many common bonds: You go to the same school, you have the same classes, you work together, or you live near one another. You share the same interests, like the same music, and enjoy the same leisure activities. In addition to these factors, chances are, you probably found each other physically attractive. If your relationship is going to last beyond the time that these factors change, (school ends, you move, you acquire new hobbies, you age) the maintenance process must begin and continue. You’ve probably heard people say something like, “Love isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.” They say things like that, because real love takes real work and real work isn’t fun. At the very core of a loving relationship is the most powerful, indescribable force known to man, yet it is not enough to simply have love or be in love. To make it work, you must take deliberate actions to stay connected with each other and find common interests and activities. Someday you will run out of stories to tell, and then it’s up to you to make new memories. This may seem obvious, but life has a way of pulling people apart. Love is magical and mystifying, but it is only the source of the power behind a successful relationship. It is the responsibility of the people involved to stay connected and not grow apart. Have you ever heard a divorced couple state that they will always care for the other one, but it just didn’t work? The love is still there; the source of the power remains. If love is real love, it does not end. It can change from being in love to simply loving, but it can not be destroyed. If you’re wondering if you were really in love with someone from your past, you only need ask yourself if you still are and that will answer your question.
3. Growing bored
Growing bored is almost the opposite of growing apart. Growing bored happens when people don’t grow apart enough. Growing bored is also commonly called a “rut”. The relationship becomes routine and mechanical. Even sex can become routine. You get to know the other person so well, that it seems nothing new is happening; thus, there is nothing to talk about, and bad things start to happen when couples stop communicating. Undeclared emotions tend to fester and grow out of control. It is vital that each person retains their own individually and has extra curricular activities outside of the relationship. It is a balancing act between growing apart and growing bored. Nothing is perfect, and these two factors will emerge many times over the course of a long term relationship.
4. Unity
A long term relationship is a business. It’s an emotional, social, and economic partnership. Unity is extremely important. Abraham Lincoln once said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” He couldn’t have been more right. Life is all about survival. You have no chance of surviving if you and your partner are not united. This does not mean that you must agree on everything, that’s silly, but when life throws shit your way (and it will), you’d better be on the same page. This topic is especially relevant when you have kids. Like most things, this is not a static process and will require continual maintenance. This topic is huge, but I’ll keep it short. There is no room for self-righteous power trips in a successful relationship. Sometimes it’s better to be united, even if what ever it is doesn’t work, because the power of two is always greater one. Each person will have to give in and join the other side for the greater good every now and then. There will be cases where you go and do your own thing, against your partner’s wishes and everything turns out great, but this can lead to animosity in the other person. You need to ask yourself what you’re really working towards. Sometimes it’s better to fail together than be successful apart. No goal should overshadow the foundation on which it’s built.
5. Kids
There are two types of people on this planet; people who have kids and people who don’t. People who don’t have kids are unable to understand all the ramifications of having children. It’s a little like trying to talk to a teenager about “real life”. No offence intended to people without kids, I was one once… although I don’t remember it. Having children is a double-edged sword. Having kids will bring you to places you didn’t know existed, both good and bad. Raising kids and having kids are two different things by the way. Anyone can have a kid or make a baby (look around, they’re everywhere). Raising kids will test even the most rock-solid of relationships; it changes so much, so fast. Life before kids is so different than life after kids that many people can’t take it. Sometimes it only takes a year, sometimes it takes years and years, but eventually many couples fail because they failed to adjust. Many people simply don’t know what they’re getting into, but once you’re there, you don’t have much choice. The potential for pain while raising kids is almost a guarantee.
6. Breaking up
Unless you stay with the person you’re with right now until one of you dies, there will be a break up. I don’t think I need to say anymore about this. Break-ups are painful. Someone who once ranked very high in your psyche falls from grace, and vice versa. Feelings of failure, embarrassment, fear, and many more, are not fun. Also, there can be financial, housing, and social problems associated with a break up.
7. Divorce
Divorce differs from a simple break-up. Divorce is a legal process for one thing. It can also lead to more pain than a break up, because there was a formal, public agreement that you would stay with this person forever. Money is painful all the time, but during a divorce, former lovers can become excessively cruel and greedy. And then there are the kids again. Custody battles are painful. All the same painful feelings of a normal break up cut deeper because the commitment was deeper.
8. In-laws
When you agree to be emotionally hitched, you also agree to be connected with your partner’s friends and family. You already have your own crazy family, and now you have theirs as well! That’s twice as many people to commit to for social occasions, twice as many people to deal with on a regular basis, twice as many people who have twice as many problems and concerns. What were once only your partner’s problems are now yours too: family drama, family tragedy, illnesses, birthdays, economic needs. Not all of this is bad, but there is inherently more potential for different kinds of pain when more people are involved.
9. Money
Need I say more? Unless you’re “well off,” money will be a major factor once your finances become joined. Usually the issue is that there isn’t enough of it, but there are many other ways money can become a source of pain. Again, I don’t feel I need to elaborate on this topic. Money = pain. The trick to solving this issue is to take the power away from the money. Money itself is practically nothing; the beliefs people have about money is what causes the problems.
11. Work
Again, unless you’re well off, you will spend a large amount of time and energy at work. Depending on what you do for work, there are several different ways work leads to pain in a relationship. Scheduling is one of them. How often do you see each other? Are you spending enough time with the kids? Are you taking care of your household responsibilities? Are you making enough money? Who makes more? Who pays what? Who manages the income, and are they doing it correctly? Work is closely related to money, but it is also closely connected to growing apart, cheating, and unity. Work can become a monster problem in several different ways. For example, if you hate your job, you might always be frustrated and angry at home, or on the other hand, if you love your job and find it rewarding, you might spend too much time at it and lose touch with your partner. “Juggling” is probably more accurate than “balancing”. The important thing to remember is that love should not be in the mix of things you are juggling; love should be the force behind why you are juggling.
12. Illness
The person you fell in love with may not always be exactly the same as you knew them and/or you may not be. Accidents and illness are probably second, only to kids, in testing a relationship. When you emotionally bond yourself to another person, you are taking great risks. Their pain becomes your pain and vice versa. Are you ready to see your partner broken and sick? Would you love them the same? None of us are really ready. We don’t expect to get cancer or become mutilated in a car crash, but these things happen, and it might not always be someone else they happen to.
13. Sex
Chances are, you find your mate attractive, and at some point will have sex with him or her. Thanks to the media, which represents the average stupid person, we are saturated with sexual content. Commercialized and exploited sex is not the type of sex I’m talking about; that’s the kind of sex horny teenagers have. Anyone can do that. I’m referring to the ongoing sexual relationship between committed couples. It’s much different, and better I might add. The sexual relationship changes and grows along with the couple; however, if the relationship is not progressing, neither does the sex life, which can lead to a whole gamut of problems. The act of sex is simple. Sex in a long term relationship is not. Again, all of these factors are closely related and do not stand alone. All of these potential sources of pain interact and create countless actions and reactions.
14. Religion (faith)
My views on this topic are, what the typical person would call, too bias, because I am a Christian and have my own beliefs on this subject. All I can tell you is that the Bible, in 2 Corinthians 6:14, says believers and unbelievers should not get married. For the sake of a relationship, I think people should at least match up with someone who shares the same beliefs, even if the beliefs are, what I would consider, incorrect. Be prepared for your partner or yourself to change spiritually over the years. Sometimes these changes are easy and sometimes they are painful.
15. Death
Pain will come one way or another. In the words of Billy Corgan, “And great lovers will one day have to part.” The point of this piece of writing is not to avoid the pain, but to expect it and accept it.
I’ve been in love with the same girl since the age of 14, in 1993. We’ve been a couple for 11 years and married for… 8 of those years. Our anniversary is today oddly enough. As for the gut-wrenching pain; Love, all by itself, is very simple and wonderful; Being “in love” is a much more complicated state. Staying in love is an active process, or to put it plainly, it takes a lot of work- and not the starry-eyed, music-in-the-background work; No, it’s the old fashion kind- hard and sometimes painful. When you are in love with someone, you must realize the risks you are agreeing to. Some of the potential causes for pain are merely possibilities, others are almost guaranteed, and one is inevitable. Not all of these lead to a break up. Experiencing pain in a relationship is not a maybe. It will happen. Sometimes you will feel as if there is no hope. Sometimes there really is no hope and it ends, but other times, it is just a feeling that passes.
Here are just 15 of the potential causes for pain when dealing with love. All of these categories have very intricate frameworks. Each person attaches his or her own meanings and emotions to all of life’s dealings. Every person is unique, every couple is unique, and time constantly changes everything. Similar events at different times create unique actions and reactions.
1. Cheating
Old school, but it still hurts like hell. People have written books about each of these topics, so my short blurbs are only a taste. Cheating is usually a symptom of a larger problem, or a problem that was not addressed in time. Unresolved problems grow into a larger problems, and thus… the pain. The pain from cheating is multifaceted. The cheater is often riddled with guilt, the partner is wracked with insecurity and the other party is left cold. There are many more possible outcomes of course, but all lead to pain for everyone. In cases where breaking up is the best solution, cheating can eventually lead to a positive resolution for one or more members. It is important to remember that cheating does not always refer to an outside relationship with a person. Cheating is one of many ways to achieve deception. Some people have affairs with other people; some have affairs with alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, shopping, money, or any other activity that results in lying.
2. Growing apart
Life changes all the time and people change with it. Chances are, the person you fell in love with possesses certain traits that are different from your own, and this factored into why you fell in love with them in the first place. When you first meet someone and fall in love, there are typically many common bonds: You go to the same school, you have the same classes, you work together, or you live near one another. You share the same interests, like the same music, and enjoy the same leisure activities. In addition to these factors, chances are, you probably found each other physically attractive. If your relationship is going to last beyond the time that these factors change, (school ends, you move, you acquire new hobbies, you age) the maintenance process must begin and continue. You’ve probably heard people say something like, “Love isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.” They say things like that, because real love takes real work and real work isn’t fun. At the very core of a loving relationship is the most powerful, indescribable force known to man, yet it is not enough to simply have love or be in love. To make it work, you must take deliberate actions to stay connected with each other and find common interests and activities. Someday you will run out of stories to tell, and then it’s up to you to make new memories. This may seem obvious, but life has a way of pulling people apart. Love is magical and mystifying, but it is only the source of the power behind a successful relationship. It is the responsibility of the people involved to stay connected and not grow apart. Have you ever heard a divorced couple state that they will always care for the other one, but it just didn’t work? The love is still there; the source of the power remains. If love is real love, it does not end. It can change from being in love to simply loving, but it can not be destroyed. If you’re wondering if you were really in love with someone from your past, you only need ask yourself if you still are and that will answer your question.
3. Growing bored
Growing bored is almost the opposite of growing apart. Growing bored happens when people don’t grow apart enough. Growing bored is also commonly called a “rut”. The relationship becomes routine and mechanical. Even sex can become routine. You get to know the other person so well, that it seems nothing new is happening; thus, there is nothing to talk about, and bad things start to happen when couples stop communicating. Undeclared emotions tend to fester and grow out of control. It is vital that each person retains their own individually and has extra curricular activities outside of the relationship. It is a balancing act between growing apart and growing bored. Nothing is perfect, and these two factors will emerge many times over the course of a long term relationship.
4. Unity
A long term relationship is a business. It’s an emotional, social, and economic partnership. Unity is extremely important. Abraham Lincoln once said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” He couldn’t have been more right. Life is all about survival. You have no chance of surviving if you and your partner are not united. This does not mean that you must agree on everything, that’s silly, but when life throws shit your way (and it will), you’d better be on the same page. This topic is especially relevant when you have kids. Like most things, this is not a static process and will require continual maintenance. This topic is huge, but I’ll keep it short. There is no room for self-righteous power trips in a successful relationship. Sometimes it’s better to be united, even if what ever it is doesn’t work, because the power of two is always greater one. Each person will have to give in and join the other side for the greater good every now and then. There will be cases where you go and do your own thing, against your partner’s wishes and everything turns out great, but this can lead to animosity in the other person. You need to ask yourself what you’re really working towards. Sometimes it’s better to fail together than be successful apart. No goal should overshadow the foundation on which it’s built.
5. Kids
There are two types of people on this planet; people who have kids and people who don’t. People who don’t have kids are unable to understand all the ramifications of having children. It’s a little like trying to talk to a teenager about “real life”. No offence intended to people without kids, I was one once… although I don’t remember it. Having children is a double-edged sword. Having kids will bring you to places you didn’t know existed, both good and bad. Raising kids and having kids are two different things by the way. Anyone can have a kid or make a baby (look around, they’re everywhere). Raising kids will test even the most rock-solid of relationships; it changes so much, so fast. Life before kids is so different than life after kids that many people can’t take it. Sometimes it only takes a year, sometimes it takes years and years, but eventually many couples fail because they failed to adjust. Many people simply don’t know what they’re getting into, but once you’re there, you don’t have much choice. The potential for pain while raising kids is almost a guarantee.
6. Breaking up
Unless you stay with the person you’re with right now until one of you dies, there will be a break up. I don’t think I need to say anymore about this. Break-ups are painful. Someone who once ranked very high in your psyche falls from grace, and vice versa. Feelings of failure, embarrassment, fear, and many more, are not fun. Also, there can be financial, housing, and social problems associated with a break up.
7. Divorce
Divorce differs from a simple break-up. Divorce is a legal process for one thing. It can also lead to more pain than a break up, because there was a formal, public agreement that you would stay with this person forever. Money is painful all the time, but during a divorce, former lovers can become excessively cruel and greedy. And then there are the kids again. Custody battles are painful. All the same painful feelings of a normal break up cut deeper because the commitment was deeper.
8. In-laws
When you agree to be emotionally hitched, you also agree to be connected with your partner’s friends and family. You already have your own crazy family, and now you have theirs as well! That’s twice as many people to commit to for social occasions, twice as many people to deal with on a regular basis, twice as many people who have twice as many problems and concerns. What were once only your partner’s problems are now yours too: family drama, family tragedy, illnesses, birthdays, economic needs. Not all of this is bad, but there is inherently more potential for different kinds of pain when more people are involved.
9. Money
Need I say more? Unless you’re “well off,” money will be a major factor once your finances become joined. Usually the issue is that there isn’t enough of it, but there are many other ways money can become a source of pain. Again, I don’t feel I need to elaborate on this topic. Money = pain. The trick to solving this issue is to take the power away from the money. Money itself is practically nothing; the beliefs people have about money is what causes the problems.
11. Work
Again, unless you’re well off, you will spend a large amount of time and energy at work. Depending on what you do for work, there are several different ways work leads to pain in a relationship. Scheduling is one of them. How often do you see each other? Are you spending enough time with the kids? Are you taking care of your household responsibilities? Are you making enough money? Who makes more? Who pays what? Who manages the income, and are they doing it correctly? Work is closely related to money, but it is also closely connected to growing apart, cheating, and unity. Work can become a monster problem in several different ways. For example, if you hate your job, you might always be frustrated and angry at home, or on the other hand, if you love your job and find it rewarding, you might spend too much time at it and lose touch with your partner. “Juggling” is probably more accurate than “balancing”. The important thing to remember is that love should not be in the mix of things you are juggling; love should be the force behind why you are juggling.
12. Illness
The person you fell in love with may not always be exactly the same as you knew them and/or you may not be. Accidents and illness are probably second, only to kids, in testing a relationship. When you emotionally bond yourself to another person, you are taking great risks. Their pain becomes your pain and vice versa. Are you ready to see your partner broken and sick? Would you love them the same? None of us are really ready. We don’t expect to get cancer or become mutilated in a car crash, but these things happen, and it might not always be someone else they happen to.
13. Sex
Chances are, you find your mate attractive, and at some point will have sex with him or her. Thanks to the media, which represents the average stupid person, we are saturated with sexual content. Commercialized and exploited sex is not the type of sex I’m talking about; that’s the kind of sex horny teenagers have. Anyone can do that. I’m referring to the ongoing sexual relationship between committed couples. It’s much different, and better I might add. The sexual relationship changes and grows along with the couple; however, if the relationship is not progressing, neither does the sex life, which can lead to a whole gamut of problems. The act of sex is simple. Sex in a long term relationship is not. Again, all of these factors are closely related and do not stand alone. All of these potential sources of pain interact and create countless actions and reactions.
14. Religion (faith)
My views on this topic are, what the typical person would call, too bias, because I am a Christian and have my own beliefs on this subject. All I can tell you is that the Bible, in 2 Corinthians 6:14, says believers and unbelievers should not get married. For the sake of a relationship, I think people should at least match up with someone who shares the same beliefs, even if the beliefs are, what I would consider, incorrect. Be prepared for your partner or yourself to change spiritually over the years. Sometimes these changes are easy and sometimes they are painful.
15. Death
Pain will come one way or another. In the words of Billy Corgan, “And great lovers will one day have to part.” The point of this piece of writing is not to avoid the pain, but to expect it and accept it.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Journal of a madman 10-15-07
Sometimes when I have to write, I just have to write, with no reason or direction. Writing is powerful. Call it free association, call it what you must. One might call her a mad woman. I pulled a syringe from her mouth today. She is miserable. Lightly chatting, trying to pass the time and avoid a blow up- failed. She injected her insulin and then questioned how someone could get the retractable needle from the syringe and proceeded to eat it. I saw what I thought was a rabid fox the other day. We are all mad I suppose. My mind lusts, yet my heart is true. I smoke, yet I know it will kill me. I’ve almost died several times. I credit my point of view to this fact. I’ve been burned, fallen, crashed, almost hit by a train, electrocuted, and put myself in many compromising situations. I once rode my mountain bike across a century old, crumbling, bridge. Wood fell into the river. I survived. Do I think I’m special? I think we all have unique knowledge and abilities. I don’t always appreciate mine, or deserve it.
I know things no one else knows, and still, I know nothing. My teeth hurt. Hopefully $400 next month will solve that. I hate the Internet. I was forced to use a self checkout the other day at Home Depot. I spend a lot of time and money at Home Depot lately, because my bathroom flooded. My dog has fleas. I don’t agree with all the cameras and automatic citations. I probably love you more than you’ll ever know. One among many or are we all counted as one? Salt and vinegar chips are my vice. I love life and hate it in pieces, so small and wonderful. Some people spend a lifetime never seeing or feeling what I was born with. There is another world here on this planet. A world you can not see, touch, feel, or even explain. It does not need to be explained. It is what it is. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong, or is what we call wrong right? There will always be something to work on and we will all die in the process. Being ok with that is my goal. I do not fear death. I do not fear pain. Avoiding pain is favorable to voluntary pain, yet we hurt ourselves again and again; a puzzle indeed.
The story is less important than the message is sends. What will they remember? Maybe nothing, but that’s not important. What is important? Each and every individual’s experience and understanding of what it means to them. Some of the people who called me a fag in high school are now openly gay. Ironic to only them. People ask me what I’m going to be when I finish school. I’m going to be me. That’s all I’ve ever been and will ever be. Same goes from everyone, although they wouldn’t all agree with me, but that’s ok. There is joy in knowing... and contentment. My goals are simple and undefined. My car burns a quart of oil every 1,000 miles, but nothing’s wrong with it. They designed it that way. What can I do about it? Nothing. There is a lesson everyday. It is up to me to decide what I learn and what I don’t, the teachings will be there regardless. Cyndi Lauper made fun music.
Drug addicts will always find a way to get what they need, why can’t everyone else. Because what they want isn’t what I want. I want many things. The important bases are covered. I don’t follow sports, but I enjoy them. No one’s ever given me anything. Nobody co-signed for any loans, no one gave me a car or land or a house. No one’s paid my way for school or any of my bills. I’ve never been given anything. I’ve never inherited anything. I’ve never won anything or been blessed with dumb luck. Anything I’ve ever had, or will have, material or otherwise, has been, and will continue to be, solely the product of my own hard work. Do you have what it takes to win at this game called life? Initiative, perseverance, patients, courage, tolerance for pain, preparation, priorities, valor, brute strength, compassion, forgiveness, introspection, imagination, faith, perspective, self esteem, self worth, empathy, sympathy, motivation, fear, peace, stamina, and most importantly, love. Notice how money isn’t mentioned. Your money will buy you nothing- only trash. This rambling piece of writing is probably riddled with typos, and for that (and nothing else) I apologize.
I know things no one else knows, and still, I know nothing. My teeth hurt. Hopefully $400 next month will solve that. I hate the Internet. I was forced to use a self checkout the other day at Home Depot. I spend a lot of time and money at Home Depot lately, because my bathroom flooded. My dog has fleas. I don’t agree with all the cameras and automatic citations. I probably love you more than you’ll ever know. One among many or are we all counted as one? Salt and vinegar chips are my vice. I love life and hate it in pieces, so small and wonderful. Some people spend a lifetime never seeing or feeling what I was born with. There is another world here on this planet. A world you can not see, touch, feel, or even explain. It does not need to be explained. It is what it is. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong, or is what we call wrong right? There will always be something to work on and we will all die in the process. Being ok with that is my goal. I do not fear death. I do not fear pain. Avoiding pain is favorable to voluntary pain, yet we hurt ourselves again and again; a puzzle indeed.
The story is less important than the message is sends. What will they remember? Maybe nothing, but that’s not important. What is important? Each and every individual’s experience and understanding of what it means to them. Some of the people who called me a fag in high school are now openly gay. Ironic to only them. People ask me what I’m going to be when I finish school. I’m going to be me. That’s all I’ve ever been and will ever be. Same goes from everyone, although they wouldn’t all agree with me, but that’s ok. There is joy in knowing... and contentment. My goals are simple and undefined. My car burns a quart of oil every 1,000 miles, but nothing’s wrong with it. They designed it that way. What can I do about it? Nothing. There is a lesson everyday. It is up to me to decide what I learn and what I don’t, the teachings will be there regardless. Cyndi Lauper made fun music.
Drug addicts will always find a way to get what they need, why can’t everyone else. Because what they want isn’t what I want. I want many things. The important bases are covered. I don’t follow sports, but I enjoy them. No one’s ever given me anything. Nobody co-signed for any loans, no one gave me a car or land or a house. No one’s paid my way for school or any of my bills. I’ve never been given anything. I’ve never inherited anything. I’ve never won anything or been blessed with dumb luck. Anything I’ve ever had, or will have, material or otherwise, has been, and will continue to be, solely the product of my own hard work. Do you have what it takes to win at this game called life? Initiative, perseverance, patients, courage, tolerance for pain, preparation, priorities, valor, brute strength, compassion, forgiveness, introspection, imagination, faith, perspective, self esteem, self worth, empathy, sympathy, motivation, fear, peace, stamina, and most importantly, love. Notice how money isn’t mentioned. Your money will buy you nothing- only trash. This rambling piece of writing is probably riddled with typos, and for that (and nothing else) I apologize.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The Canoe Dream
This is a dream I had last night. I like to keep track of my dreams. Dreams are the only purely random thing my mind will ever think up. As creative as I try to be, I do my best randomness in my sleep. Dreams might not be as fun or exciting as something I could concoct deliberately, but I like the rawness.
It was a very dark night. My wife and I put a small canoe in the ocean and I got in it. The water was only about four feet deep, because we were near the shore. Actually, there wasn’t a shore. There was a huge wall where the shore would have been. The dark waves of the ocean lapped against the side of a huge industrial building.
The only colors were black and dark green. My wife wadded in the water, next to the huge industrial building, and steadied the canoe as I tried to maneuver it. The canoe was much too small for me, almost like a toy instead of a real canoe, and it filled with water; although it didn’t totally sink. The ores were too small as well and there wasn’t anywhere to balance them or hook them on the canoe. I was quite frustrated.
I think my wife may have used the canoe too, but it didn’t sink when she used it because she is not as heavy as I am. After we were done in the water, I wanted to have sex on the beach, but she refused. Each of us took one end of the canoe and carried it up a small, dark, sandy beach to where we had parked the car. Two German Shepard dogs appeared and started to snip at me while I carried the canoe. One of the dogs latched onto my forearm and stayed there, but didn’t really bite down. I dropped the canoe and picked up a 2x4 piece of wood and threatened to smash the dog with it. My wife was scared and told me to do it, but I couldn’t for some reason.
Somehow we got back to the car, which was a red 1980s four-door BMW. The two big dogs were still barking at us, but stayed a few feet away. My wife and I hooked the canoe to the top of the car and I noticed my infant son was in his car seat in the backseat. It became very windy. I opened the driver’s door and a small dog jumped out of the car onto my chest and started to bite my face. I tore him from my face and flung him into the darkness. I heard him land on the ground and immediately start running back to the car. I quickly got in the car… and then I woke up.
UPDATE: I briefly researched this dream and according to http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/dreaminterpreta_sdnj.htm, “green most often symbolizes a need for healing, balance and harmony” and “black may indicate anxiety, anger, guilt or resentment.” and red “is one of the most intense hues and in dreams represents passion, anger, aggression and heat.”
It was a very dark night. My wife and I put a small canoe in the ocean and I got in it. The water was only about four feet deep, because we were near the shore. Actually, there wasn’t a shore. There was a huge wall where the shore would have been. The dark waves of the ocean lapped against the side of a huge industrial building.
The only colors were black and dark green. My wife wadded in the water, next to the huge industrial building, and steadied the canoe as I tried to maneuver it. The canoe was much too small for me, almost like a toy instead of a real canoe, and it filled with water; although it didn’t totally sink. The ores were too small as well and there wasn’t anywhere to balance them or hook them on the canoe. I was quite frustrated.
I think my wife may have used the canoe too, but it didn’t sink when she used it because she is not as heavy as I am. After we were done in the water, I wanted to have sex on the beach, but she refused. Each of us took one end of the canoe and carried it up a small, dark, sandy beach to where we had parked the car. Two German Shepard dogs appeared and started to snip at me while I carried the canoe. One of the dogs latched onto my forearm and stayed there, but didn’t really bite down. I dropped the canoe and picked up a 2x4 piece of wood and threatened to smash the dog with it. My wife was scared and told me to do it, but I couldn’t for some reason.
Somehow we got back to the car, which was a red 1980s four-door BMW. The two big dogs were still barking at us, but stayed a few feet away. My wife and I hooked the canoe to the top of the car and I noticed my infant son was in his car seat in the backseat. It became very windy. I opened the driver’s door and a small dog jumped out of the car onto my chest and started to bite my face. I tore him from my face and flung him into the darkness. I heard him land on the ground and immediately start running back to the car. I quickly got in the car… and then I woke up.
UPDATE: I briefly researched this dream and according to http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/dreaminterpreta_sdnj.htm, “green most often symbolizes a need for healing, balance and harmony” and “black may indicate anxiety, anger, guilt or resentment.” and red “is one of the most intense hues and in dreams represents passion, anger, aggression and heat.”
Friday, September 21, 2007
psychiatric emergency
Names and facts have been altered to ensure confidentiality. Excerpt from a term paper.
The following is a narrative of my first stat call (client behavioral). There is an odd frustration that comes with being a staff member. I am never able to truly convey what a bad day at work really means. Somehow, “client behavioral” just doesn’t cover it.
“Stat call,” a voice sounded over the intercom. My heart began to pound in my throat. I’d seen a few stat calls during orientation and helped defuse situations on my ward, but I had yet to actually participate in one.
My fist time witnessing a stat call had been in the admitting office a week prior. By the time I’d arrived, a dozen people stood between me and the 300 pound women. She had cut her arms and throat hundreds of times with a razor blade. Blood flung from her arms as she stomped wildly around the admitting area. She shoved on the exit door and pounded her bloody fists on the safety glass, swearing and trashing. My adrenaline was pumping. I tried to hide my fear, but my face must have shown it anyhow. A coworker stepped forward and began to speak to the women in a soft, non-threatening tone. Much to my surprise, the woman eventually calmed enough to speak coherently. She was given options and, after some negotiation, chose to walk to her ward with only female staff. My coworker had spoken softly, used five words or less, and given options. I reviewed these methods in my head as I jogged to the stat call. Would I be called upon to use these skills? Would I be successful?
Two staff members stood down the hall in the doorway of a client’s room. A staff member suggested I put on gloves. I snatched a couple from the box, put them on, and joined the two other staff members at the client’s door. The door was closed. I could hear a young girl trashing around, throwing chairs and other objects. Through the crack between the door and the frame, I could see a bed in front of the door. The doors swing out as well as in, so clients can not barricade themselves. We waited a moment for more staff to show up. I was given a synopsis of the situation and assigned a leg.
More staff joined us and the stat leader swung the door open. A small girl, no more than 90 pounds, sat crouched in the far corner, growling and swearing at us from behind dirty-blonde hair. We crept toward her slowly. As we approached, the stat leader gave her one last chance to walk to the seclusion room on her own. She responded by violently banging the back of her head on the wall. The stat leader gave a count, and on three we lunged toward her. The staff member assigned to her right arm missed and received a slash across the face from her fingernails. My nervousness subsided and I concentrated on holding her ankle. She was unnaturally strong. We carefully flipped her on her stomach and held her to the floor. I felt uncomfortable holding a little girl to the floor. She slammed her face on the floor and continued to struggle. She squirmed hard and jackknifed her body in an attempt to bite my hand. We straightened her out and a fifth staff member pressed her waist to the floor while a sixth staff member placed a pillow under her head so she couldn’t bang her head on the floor. She bit the pillow and began to repeatedly scream, “Fuck you! You fucking (things I can’t bring myself to type)!”
A seventh staff member rolled a blanket and slid it along the side of her body. Sweat began to drop from my face. We quickly tilted her on her side and attempted to slide the blanket under her. She clutched it with her fingers and refused to let go. A second blanket proved more useful and we eventually got her wrapped tightly. Another count to three and we hefted her gently onto a stretcher and rolled her into the seclusion room. She cursed vehemently and began to accuse us, in graphic detail, of raping her.
We unrolled the blanket and returned to holding her on the floor, only this time, I ended up holding her waist. She was amazingly strong and it took all I had to hold her waist down. She struggled so violently that her pants began to rip at the seams. According to her personal care plan, mechanical restraints were not an option. A staff member entered the room and plunged a needle into the girl’s buttocks. I looked away, trying to salvage some dignity for the girl. We held her for approximately twenty minutes more, in which time she defecated, spit on my shoes, and threatened to kill each one of us. Eventually she calmed and we released her. Back on my ward, ears still ringing, clients were playing scrabble and watching television. I got a drink of water.
The following is a narrative of my first stat call (client behavioral). There is an odd frustration that comes with being a staff member. I am never able to truly convey what a bad day at work really means. Somehow, “client behavioral” just doesn’t cover it.
“Stat call,” a voice sounded over the intercom. My heart began to pound in my throat. I’d seen a few stat calls during orientation and helped defuse situations on my ward, but I had yet to actually participate in one.
My fist time witnessing a stat call had been in the admitting office a week prior. By the time I’d arrived, a dozen people stood between me and the 300 pound women. She had cut her arms and throat hundreds of times with a razor blade. Blood flung from her arms as she stomped wildly around the admitting area. She shoved on the exit door and pounded her bloody fists on the safety glass, swearing and trashing. My adrenaline was pumping. I tried to hide my fear, but my face must have shown it anyhow. A coworker stepped forward and began to speak to the women in a soft, non-threatening tone. Much to my surprise, the woman eventually calmed enough to speak coherently. She was given options and, after some negotiation, chose to walk to her ward with only female staff. My coworker had spoken softly, used five words or less, and given options. I reviewed these methods in my head as I jogged to the stat call. Would I be called upon to use these skills? Would I be successful?
Two staff members stood down the hall in the doorway of a client’s room. A staff member suggested I put on gloves. I snatched a couple from the box, put them on, and joined the two other staff members at the client’s door. The door was closed. I could hear a young girl trashing around, throwing chairs and other objects. Through the crack between the door and the frame, I could see a bed in front of the door. The doors swing out as well as in, so clients can not barricade themselves. We waited a moment for more staff to show up. I was given a synopsis of the situation and assigned a leg.
More staff joined us and the stat leader swung the door open. A small girl, no more than 90 pounds, sat crouched in the far corner, growling and swearing at us from behind dirty-blonde hair. We crept toward her slowly. As we approached, the stat leader gave her one last chance to walk to the seclusion room on her own. She responded by violently banging the back of her head on the wall. The stat leader gave a count, and on three we lunged toward her. The staff member assigned to her right arm missed and received a slash across the face from her fingernails. My nervousness subsided and I concentrated on holding her ankle. She was unnaturally strong. We carefully flipped her on her stomach and held her to the floor. I felt uncomfortable holding a little girl to the floor. She slammed her face on the floor and continued to struggle. She squirmed hard and jackknifed her body in an attempt to bite my hand. We straightened her out and a fifth staff member pressed her waist to the floor while a sixth staff member placed a pillow under her head so she couldn’t bang her head on the floor. She bit the pillow and began to repeatedly scream, “Fuck you! You fucking (things I can’t bring myself to type)!”
A seventh staff member rolled a blanket and slid it along the side of her body. Sweat began to drop from my face. We quickly tilted her on her side and attempted to slide the blanket under her. She clutched it with her fingers and refused to let go. A second blanket proved more useful and we eventually got her wrapped tightly. Another count to three and we hefted her gently onto a stretcher and rolled her into the seclusion room. She cursed vehemently and began to accuse us, in graphic detail, of raping her.
We unrolled the blanket and returned to holding her on the floor, only this time, I ended up holding her waist. She was amazingly strong and it took all I had to hold her waist down. She struggled so violently that her pants began to rip at the seams. According to her personal care plan, mechanical restraints were not an option. A staff member entered the room and plunged a needle into the girl’s buttocks. I looked away, trying to salvage some dignity for the girl. We held her for approximately twenty minutes more, in which time she defecated, spit on my shoes, and threatened to kill each one of us. Eventually she calmed and we released her. Back on my ward, ears still ringing, clients were playing scrabble and watching television. I got a drink of water.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Pay at the pump
September 9, 2007
For the past year or so, I’ve been buying my gas at the only remaining gas station in town which doesn’t require pre-payment or pay at the pump. Now, because of drive-offs, they too have switched to pre-payment or pay at the pump. I was pissed. I took a half hour drive after work to the neighboring town, to the only gas station that trusts people to pay after pumping. For starters, I’m being totally raped by the gas station, oil companies, and everyone else in the world who undeservingly demands my hard-earned money. Almost everything I buy turns out to be a complete piece of shit. I can't be the only one who’s noticing this. And what recourse do I have? None! I’m fucked and that’s it, period. My solution to this is to simply stop being a consumer and only buy things I really need. Anyway, back to the pump. Paying at the pump encourages people to use credit cards. The average American already has over $8,000 in credit card debt. I don’t think we need any more encouragement. Credit cards are being marketed and supported as a necessity, much like your stupid cell phone you have glued to your ear while you almost crash into me while driving that car you owe an outrageous amount of money on- but I digress. Let’s say I use my debit card instead of my credit card, which I do, I don’t want to run my card twice! I’ll have to run it at the pump and then go inside and run it again. I don’t get charged more from my bank or anything like that, but it’s just stupid! Why make my bank statements and checkbook more complicated? Why do I have to be inconvenienced? My other option is to go in and pre pay. I have to walk in, guess how much my car will hold, and either put too little in or end up going back in the store and waiting in line AGAIN to get my change. All because some people are driving off without paying. I can’t say I blame’em. Have you seen the price of gas?! They probably can’t afford it. I can barely afford it! In 1997 gas was around a dollar a gallon. Since then it has tripled. The toll booth where I work used to be 30 cents and now it’s 60. Heating costs are through the roof, houses are practically unattainable for most people, and debt is out of control, individually and globally. Has your pay doubled or tripled lately? Mine certainly hasn’t! We are being suffocated by the very structure we created. The rich continue to get richer and the poor… well ya know. America has only been around for a short time. China has had hiccups that have lasted longer than our entire history to date. If things don’t change now, America will fail. It’s textbook civilization failure. We are Rome. Hundreds of years from now, the entire United States experience could turn out to be just a footnote in time. Some highly intelligent Somali kid will read this in his history book and laugh at our stupidity and arrogance. So what can I do? In the end, all I can do is write things like this, because all gas stations will become pre pay, all items will be marked up, and most Americans don’t care enough to do anything about it and even if they do, they are practically powerless. It’s a fragile existence we’ve dreamed up. I’m sorry to say, The American Dream seems more like the American myth to me. How long should I allow myself to be exploited and abused by a system, a government, and a society that doesn’t care, before I put up some sort of resistance, even if only a futile resistance? We must become proactive if we are to survive.
For the past year or so, I’ve been buying my gas at the only remaining gas station in town which doesn’t require pre-payment or pay at the pump. Now, because of drive-offs, they too have switched to pre-payment or pay at the pump. I was pissed. I took a half hour drive after work to the neighboring town, to the only gas station that trusts people to pay after pumping. For starters, I’m being totally raped by the gas station, oil companies, and everyone else in the world who undeservingly demands my hard-earned money. Almost everything I buy turns out to be a complete piece of shit. I can't be the only one who’s noticing this. And what recourse do I have? None! I’m fucked and that’s it, period. My solution to this is to simply stop being a consumer and only buy things I really need. Anyway, back to the pump. Paying at the pump encourages people to use credit cards. The average American already has over $8,000 in credit card debt. I don’t think we need any more encouragement. Credit cards are being marketed and supported as a necessity, much like your stupid cell phone you have glued to your ear while you almost crash into me while driving that car you owe an outrageous amount of money on- but I digress. Let’s say I use my debit card instead of my credit card, which I do, I don’t want to run my card twice! I’ll have to run it at the pump and then go inside and run it again. I don’t get charged more from my bank or anything like that, but it’s just stupid! Why make my bank statements and checkbook more complicated? Why do I have to be inconvenienced? My other option is to go in and pre pay. I have to walk in, guess how much my car will hold, and either put too little in or end up going back in the store and waiting in line AGAIN to get my change. All because some people are driving off without paying. I can’t say I blame’em. Have you seen the price of gas?! They probably can’t afford it. I can barely afford it! In 1997 gas was around a dollar a gallon. Since then it has tripled. The toll booth where I work used to be 30 cents and now it’s 60. Heating costs are through the roof, houses are practically unattainable for most people, and debt is out of control, individually and globally. Has your pay doubled or tripled lately? Mine certainly hasn’t! We are being suffocated by the very structure we created. The rich continue to get richer and the poor… well ya know. America has only been around for a short time. China has had hiccups that have lasted longer than our entire history to date. If things don’t change now, America will fail. It’s textbook civilization failure. We are Rome. Hundreds of years from now, the entire United States experience could turn out to be just a footnote in time. Some highly intelligent Somali kid will read this in his history book and laugh at our stupidity and arrogance. So what can I do? In the end, all I can do is write things like this, because all gas stations will become pre pay, all items will be marked up, and most Americans don’t care enough to do anything about it and even if they do, they are practically powerless. It’s a fragile existence we’ve dreamed up. I’m sorry to say, The American Dream seems more like the American myth to me. How long should I allow myself to be exploited and abused by a system, a government, and a society that doesn’t care, before I put up some sort of resistance, even if only a futile resistance? We must become proactive if we are to survive.
Monday, August 6, 2007
So Many Windows
So many windows: hundreds, thousands perhaps, each with its own version of the blistering sun. Cheap facsimiles are all too common in a world content with producing pop stars like automobiles. Purposeful strides and the clicking of heals.
Motion-censored revolving doors churned with ease; more for show than anything else. My attire drew more than a few looks. Maybe I was an extravagant trust fund baby or a rock star. Beautifully empty. Years of planning, millions of dollars, and still hollow. Marble, gold, and uniforms accented the cold interior.
Somewhere, high above, huge machines labored tirelessly to produce the comfortable atmosphere. Too entitled to notice the conveniences and indulgencies they enjoy, everyone found something to complain about. Hypocrites overcrowded the elevator. I took the stairs. In a society strictly opposed to exercise and hard work, the stairwell lacked luster yet produced desirable results.
Long corridors stretched the top floor. Each door exactly like the one before. Over and over and over. All under one roof and still so alone.
Bursting into a run, I sprinted down the hall. Light poured in through huge windows at either end of the hallway. Is this what people were fighting for? My strides quickened and I ran with everything. I leaped forward into glass, and one cheap facsimile burst in to a thousand shards of reality.
Gravity jerked me downward. I imagined the crowds below, what they must think, if they ever think at all. Cynical even in death- I blame the media. The deafening rush of air muted the world below, now and ever since.
Pavement again, hot under my feet. So many windows: hundreds, thousands perhaps, each with its own version of the blistering sun.
Motion-censored revolving doors churned with ease; more for show than anything else. My attire drew more than a few looks. Maybe I was an extravagant trust fund baby or a rock star. Beautifully empty. Years of planning, millions of dollars, and still hollow. Marble, gold, and uniforms accented the cold interior.
Somewhere, high above, huge machines labored tirelessly to produce the comfortable atmosphere. Too entitled to notice the conveniences and indulgencies they enjoy, everyone found something to complain about. Hypocrites overcrowded the elevator. I took the stairs. In a society strictly opposed to exercise and hard work, the stairwell lacked luster yet produced desirable results.
Long corridors stretched the top floor. Each door exactly like the one before. Over and over and over. All under one roof and still so alone.
Bursting into a run, I sprinted down the hall. Light poured in through huge windows at either end of the hallway. Is this what people were fighting for? My strides quickened and I ran with everything. I leaped forward into glass, and one cheap facsimile burst in to a thousand shards of reality.
Gravity jerked me downward. I imagined the crowds below, what they must think, if they ever think at all. Cynical even in death- I blame the media. The deafening rush of air muted the world below, now and ever since.
Pavement again, hot under my feet. So many windows: hundreds, thousands perhaps, each with its own version of the blistering sun.
Payday
Usually I wake up at 7am, but today is my day off, so here I am at 9am staring at the ceiling. All of those fools would be settled in to their cubicles by now, pushing paper and processing meaningless crap. God, I hate those people. Then it dawned on me: not only was it my day off, it was payday too.
I rolled out of bed and fired up the desktop while I brushed my teeth. "Almost 30 and aging gracefully," I thought to myself; far from muscular, but showing promise. I can't stand the people at the gym, so I bought myself a BowFlex.
I sat down at the computer and checked my bank account, paid a few bills, and checked my email. Several of my credit cards are maxed out. The fees are twice as much as the minimum payments. How is that legal? Bastards. Oh well, I can just skip a cell payment to make up the difference.
I shut the computer down and flicked on my new plasma TV. I ordered satellite TV, but until it arrived, I was stuck watching the same 100 cable channels. Channel surfing was starting to make my thumb numb when my cell phone chimed to life. My ring tones are always the best; I won my current tone,In Da Club, by 50Cent, from a Pepsi bottle cap. The person had the wrong number and I hung up. Damn people, stop wasting my anytime minutes! I texted my friend and asked him if we were drinking tonight. Last weekend was amazing, not that I can remember most of it, but I got a bunch of sweet pics to post on myspace.
No food in the apartment, so I hopped in my car, a brand new VW Rabbit that my parents cosigned for. My monthly payments are nearly half my income, but I love my car and it came with a great warranty. I called the movie theater on my way to the store and listened to the choices. Nothing good was playing. I stopped at an ATM and withdrew the rest of my paycheck. "Probably enough for a bag," I thought. Some guy fucking cut me off in traffic. I flipped him off and threatened to kill him, but when he pulled over I decided to keep going- fucking moron.
I can't believe the price of gas. I paid at the pump with one of my credit cards and burned a strip of rubber when I left. I got cut off again on the turnpike. It's like people only think about themselves. I tossed my change into the exact-change booth and sped up to the guy and tailgated him for awhile. Dick. Once in town, I bought some snacks and paid at one of the new self checkouts. It was so much faster than waiting for those retards to ring up everything. I bought a few lottery tickets from a vending machine on my way out the door, but I didn't win anything.
I decided to go home to eat lunch and find some good competition on X-box live, or at least some pathetic losers to pick on. I made one more stop before home to get a pack of cigarettes. The clerk checked my ID. I'm obviously over 18. What an asshole. I quickly slid my debit card, punched in my pin, and left without taking my receipt. "Have a nice day?" Fuck you.
Back at home, I fired up the X-box and quickly checked my myspace messages. One of my other friends had already scored some pot, thank God. I don't think I could make it through this weekend without any. I went to youtube and checked my videos. I get hundreds of views and dozens of subscribers everyday. Some loser, Kevin JD Kismet, tried to post a stupid comment on one of my videos the other day and he totally got owned, because I didn't approve his comment. He wrote this long message that I didn't even read. What a loser.
I rolled out of bed and fired up the desktop while I brushed my teeth. "Almost 30 and aging gracefully," I thought to myself; far from muscular, but showing promise. I can't stand the people at the gym, so I bought myself a BowFlex.
I sat down at the computer and checked my bank account, paid a few bills, and checked my email. Several of my credit cards are maxed out. The fees are twice as much as the minimum payments. How is that legal? Bastards. Oh well, I can just skip a cell payment to make up the difference.
I shut the computer down and flicked on my new plasma TV. I ordered satellite TV, but until it arrived, I was stuck watching the same 100 cable channels. Channel surfing was starting to make my thumb numb when my cell phone chimed to life. My ring tones are always the best; I won my current tone,In Da Club, by 50Cent, from a Pepsi bottle cap. The person had the wrong number and I hung up. Damn people, stop wasting my anytime minutes! I texted my friend and asked him if we were drinking tonight. Last weekend was amazing, not that I can remember most of it, but I got a bunch of sweet pics to post on myspace.
No food in the apartment, so I hopped in my car, a brand new VW Rabbit that my parents cosigned for. My monthly payments are nearly half my income, but I love my car and it came with a great warranty. I called the movie theater on my way to the store and listened to the choices. Nothing good was playing. I stopped at an ATM and withdrew the rest of my paycheck. "Probably enough for a bag," I thought. Some guy fucking cut me off in traffic. I flipped him off and threatened to kill him, but when he pulled over I decided to keep going- fucking moron.
I can't believe the price of gas. I paid at the pump with one of my credit cards and burned a strip of rubber when I left. I got cut off again on the turnpike. It's like people only think about themselves. I tossed my change into the exact-change booth and sped up to the guy and tailgated him for awhile. Dick. Once in town, I bought some snacks and paid at one of the new self checkouts. It was so much faster than waiting for those retards to ring up everything. I bought a few lottery tickets from a vending machine on my way out the door, but I didn't win anything.
I decided to go home to eat lunch and find some good competition on X-box live, or at least some pathetic losers to pick on. I made one more stop before home to get a pack of cigarettes. The clerk checked my ID. I'm obviously over 18. What an asshole. I quickly slid my debit card, punched in my pin, and left without taking my receipt. "Have a nice day?" Fuck you.
Back at home, I fired up the X-box and quickly checked my myspace messages. One of my other friends had already scored some pot, thank God. I don't think I could make it through this weekend without any. I went to youtube and checked my videos. I get hundreds of views and dozens of subscribers everyday. Some loser, Kevin JD Kismet, tried to post a stupid comment on one of my videos the other day and he totally got owned, because I didn't approve his comment. He wrote this long message that I didn't even read. What a loser.
Ninja Nightmare
Don't you hate it when people try to explain their dreams? Like you care right? Well tough shit. Here I go.
My dream: I was in high school, but I was the age I am now, I wasn't young again. I was outside walking around the school building. It was summer time. There was a group of people sitting at a table outside next to the building. My wife (who I actually did go to high school with), my friend from work, and his little sister (17 years old in real life, but was more like 13 in my dream, and I've never met her) sat at the table. They kept teasing me because I couldn't beat some sort of video game. They were saying things like, "You can't figure out how to power-up on the 34th level, what a loser," and stuff like that (I don't even play video games very much). I got really pissed and stormed off, walked around the corner of the building, and started playing a video game. I'd get to a part in the game where I didn't know what to do and I'd go ask them for help, only to get ridiculed again.
That was the first part of the dream. The next part's better, or worse, depending on how you want to look at it.
All of a sudden (classic dream descriptor) I was sitting at a round, orange, lunch table in the middle of the hallway at school. Three other people sat with me. To my left sat a thin Asian man. He was an older man, but obviously not someone to mess with. To his left there was a young Asian woman crouched on her seat. She crouched, completely motionless, holding two katanas crossed in front of her. A Somalian woman in her mid-twenties sat to my right. I was eating Twizzlers. The Somalian woman started to yell angrily in her native tongue at no one in particular. The yelling went on for a while and then out stepped my Home Economics teacher from my freshman year of high school. She started yelling back at the Somalian women, in Somali. The young women got up and went in a room with my old teacher. I continued to eat my Twizzlers.
The Asian man seemed friendly and we talked a little bit. I remarked to the crouching woman with the swords, "Ya know, you don't have to sit like that." Just then, my wife walked up and stood just behind her. Before my wife could say anything, the Asian woman turned quickly and slit my wife's stomach open. Blood began to pour out and she looked shocked. I jumped up on the table and began to violently whip the Asian woman across the face with Twizzlers. The Asian man quietly stated, "That's not a good idea." The Asian woman had a completely flat affect the entire time. She took her two swords and expertly intertwined her blades with my wrists. She paused a moment with my wrists trapped in her blades, and then with one swipe she pulled the swords away, instantly slitting both my wrists down to the bone.
My dream: I was in high school, but I was the age I am now, I wasn't young again. I was outside walking around the school building. It was summer time. There was a group of people sitting at a table outside next to the building. My wife (who I actually did go to high school with), my friend from work, and his little sister (17 years old in real life, but was more like 13 in my dream, and I've never met her) sat at the table. They kept teasing me because I couldn't beat some sort of video game. They were saying things like, "You can't figure out how to power-up on the 34th level, what a loser," and stuff like that (I don't even play video games very much). I got really pissed and stormed off, walked around the corner of the building, and started playing a video game. I'd get to a part in the game where I didn't know what to do and I'd go ask them for help, only to get ridiculed again.
That was the first part of the dream. The next part's better, or worse, depending on how you want to look at it.
All of a sudden (classic dream descriptor) I was sitting at a round, orange, lunch table in the middle of the hallway at school. Three other people sat with me. To my left sat a thin Asian man. He was an older man, but obviously not someone to mess with. To his left there was a young Asian woman crouched on her seat. She crouched, completely motionless, holding two katanas crossed in front of her. A Somalian woman in her mid-twenties sat to my right. I was eating Twizzlers. The Somalian woman started to yell angrily in her native tongue at no one in particular. The yelling went on for a while and then out stepped my Home Economics teacher from my freshman year of high school. She started yelling back at the Somalian women, in Somali. The young women got up and went in a room with my old teacher. I continued to eat my Twizzlers.
The Asian man seemed friendly and we talked a little bit. I remarked to the crouching woman with the swords, "Ya know, you don't have to sit like that." Just then, my wife walked up and stood just behind her. Before my wife could say anything, the Asian woman turned quickly and slit my wife's stomach open. Blood began to pour out and she looked shocked. I jumped up on the table and began to violently whip the Asian woman across the face with Twizzlers. The Asian man quietly stated, "That's not a good idea." The Asian woman had a completely flat affect the entire time. She took her two swords and expertly intertwined her blades with my wrists. She paused a moment with my wrists trapped in her blades, and then with one swipe she pulled the swords away, instantly slitting both my wrists down to the bone.
Five Steps
There were only five steps left. Had I only taken the time to double check my books or not stopped to talk with the professor, I wouldn't be here. No time for anger I suppose. Anger seems silly now. It all seemed silly now. I had fallen hard and twisted my arm in an unnatural angle. Gun shots continued to ring in the air with violence, further away now with no more clout than a cap-gun. Shock rendered me numb, thankfully. Judging from the intense thrust I'd received, added to my fall, I should be in a considerable amount of pain. I never imagined myself as a gunshot victim wishing for more pain, but life is like that sometimes. My view was less than spectacular, a close-up of cold stone and a chewed piece of gum. "I want to see the sky," I prayed out loud. "Just one more time, I want to see the sky." I aimlessly moved my arm around in a vain attempt to summon help. My arm tired quickly. Blood pooled around my face and a shiver rolled though me. The last drops of adrenaline rushed though my system and darkness followed. I pictured the old stone staircase. I had heard the shots behind me and bolted up the stairs. Five more steps and I probably would have been safe. There were only five steps left.
In my mind Vol. 1
You walked into my home wearing a long black coat and bright white smile. With a monkey on my lap and a bag of chips, I didn't know what to say. I improvised. Luckily speling doesn't mater I thought.
"Do evil things," you whispered.
I was stuck in third gear, but then again, if third gear is all you have, I guess you're not really stuck. The sky was an odd shade of green and the children were gone. Should I play dead or run for my life?
"You chose poorly," was all you could say; encroaching. Yes, you heard me right.
Ripping a hole and throwing it all away again, the trees bowed down and the earth shook apprehensively. I wouldn't be afraid of the dark if I were blind. I closed my eyes and peered at the world I'd left behind. Quite the view.
"Where are you taking me?"
Beasts of various statures populated the once desolated landscape. Some wore masks. Some stood firm. Others ran from me. I attempted to read your expression, but was distracted by the spectacle evolving in the distance. Something was approaching. Slowly and steadily it traversed the hills and valleys, disappearing, reemerging, closer and closer. Metronomes couldn't have kept better time.
"This is for you," you spoke sharply. My body ached vehemently. "Understanding is not the most important facet of wisdom. Prove nothing and live better. Do not try to explain what you have seen. They will not believe you. Go now, and take what I have given you."
The way is long and difficult, but in the pain there is joy and righteousness. When and where? Eat it, don't eat it. Kill or be killed. Believe almost nothing and create your own plain. Invitations go unanswered. This is the way it must be.
Years had passed, yet there we stood. Back home again. The monkey bit me and I shoved it from my lap. To this day, the floor bears his mark.
"Someday you will suffer for what you have shown me," I said.
Your smile faded. Fingers to fangs and eyes to pearls, your coat burned bright white. My hand protected my face but not my heart. Windows rattled in their sashes as you spoke one last time. You knew the words could never be written. I remember every syllable.
Alone, yet never alone, I collapsed to the floor. The smell of countless dead lingered offensively. Again I saw the hills and valleys. Again I witnessed the beasts. Now, however, they all stood silently, naked in the heated field. The thing that had approached with such ferocity before was only a child now, my child. He greeted me with a smile and I returned the gesture.
"Do evil things," you whispered.
I was stuck in third gear, but then again, if third gear is all you have, I guess you're not really stuck. The sky was an odd shade of green and the children were gone. Should I play dead or run for my life?
"You chose poorly," was all you could say; encroaching. Yes, you heard me right.
Ripping a hole and throwing it all away again, the trees bowed down and the earth shook apprehensively. I wouldn't be afraid of the dark if I were blind. I closed my eyes and peered at the world I'd left behind. Quite the view.
"Where are you taking me?"
Beasts of various statures populated the once desolated landscape. Some wore masks. Some stood firm. Others ran from me. I attempted to read your expression, but was distracted by the spectacle evolving in the distance. Something was approaching. Slowly and steadily it traversed the hills and valleys, disappearing, reemerging, closer and closer. Metronomes couldn't have kept better time.
"This is for you," you spoke sharply. My body ached vehemently. "Understanding is not the most important facet of wisdom. Prove nothing and live better. Do not try to explain what you have seen. They will not believe you. Go now, and take what I have given you."
The way is long and difficult, but in the pain there is joy and righteousness. When and where? Eat it, don't eat it. Kill or be killed. Believe almost nothing and create your own plain. Invitations go unanswered. This is the way it must be.
Years had passed, yet there we stood. Back home again. The monkey bit me and I shoved it from my lap. To this day, the floor bears his mark.
"Someday you will suffer for what you have shown me," I said.
Your smile faded. Fingers to fangs and eyes to pearls, your coat burned bright white. My hand protected my face but not my heart. Windows rattled in their sashes as you spoke one last time. You knew the words could never be written. I remember every syllable.
Alone, yet never alone, I collapsed to the floor. The smell of countless dead lingered offensively. Again I saw the hills and valleys. Again I witnessed the beasts. Now, however, they all stood silently, naked in the heated field. The thing that had approached with such ferocity before was only a child now, my child. He greeted me with a smile and I returned the gesture.
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