The Pain of Love

I recently left a comment on a friend’s blog. She says she’s in love. I warned her regarding the “gut-wrenching pain” that goes along with love. She asked me to elaborate. And so…

I’ve been in love with the same girl since the age of 14, in 1993. We’ve been a couple for 11 years and married for… 8 of those years. Our anniversary is today oddly enough. As for the gut-wrenching pain; Love, all by itself, is very simple and wonderful; Being “in love” is a much more complicated state. Staying in love is an active process, or to put it plainly, it takes a lot of work- and not the starry-eyed, music-in-the-background work; No, it’s the old fashion kind- hard and sometimes painful. When you are in love with someone, you must realize the risks you are agreeing to. Some of the potential causes for pain are merely possibilities, others are almost guaranteed, and one is inevitable. Not all of these lead to a break up. Experiencing pain in a relationship is not a maybe. It will happen. Sometimes you will feel as if there is no hope. Sometimes there really is no hope and it ends, but other times, it is just a feeling that passes.

Here are just 15 of the potential causes for pain when dealing with love. All of these categories have very intricate frameworks. Each person attaches his or her own meanings and emotions to all of life’s dealings. Every person is unique, every couple is unique, and time constantly changes everything. Similar events at different times create unique actions and reactions.





1. Cheating

Old school, but it still hurts like hell. People have written books about each of these topics, so my short blurbs are only a taste. Cheating is usually a symptom of a larger problem, or a problem that was not addressed in time. Unresolved problems grow into a larger problems, and thus… the pain. The pain from cheating is multifaceted. The cheater is often riddled with guilt, the partner is wracked with insecurity and the other party is left cold. There are many more possible outcomes of course, but all lead to pain for everyone. In cases where breaking up is the best solution, cheating can eventually lead to a positive resolution for one or more members. It is important to remember that cheating does not always refer to an outside relationship with a person. Cheating is one of many ways to achieve deception. Some people have affairs with other people; some have affairs with alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, shopping, money, or any other activity that results in lying.



2. Growing apart

Life changes all the time and people change with it. Chances are, the person you fell in love with possesses certain traits that are different from your own, and this factored into why you fell in love with them in the first place. When you first meet someone and fall in love, there are typically many common bonds: You go to the same school, you have the same classes, you work together, or you live near one another. You share the same interests, like the same music, and enjoy the same leisure activities. In addition to these factors, chances are, you probably found each other physically attractive. If your relationship is going to last beyond the time that these factors change, (school ends, you move, you acquire new hobbies, you age) the maintenance process must begin and continue. You’ve probably heard people say something like, “Love isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.” They say things like that, because real love takes real work and real work isn’t fun. At the very core of a loving relationship is the most powerful, indescribable force known to man, yet it is not enough to simply have love or be in love. To make it work, you must take deliberate actions to stay connected with each other and find common interests and activities. Someday you will run out of stories to tell, and then it’s up to you to make new memories. This may seem obvious, but life has a way of pulling people apart. Love is magical and mystifying, but it is only the source of the power behind a successful relationship. It is the responsibility of the people involved to stay connected and not grow apart. Have you ever heard a divorced couple state that they will always care for the other one, but it just didn’t work? The love is still there; the source of the power remains. If love is real love, it does not end. It can change from being in love to simply loving, but it can not be destroyed. If you’re wondering if you were really in love with someone from your past, you only need ask yourself if you still are and that will answer your question.



3. Growing bored

Growing bored is almost the opposite of growing apart. Growing bored happens when people don’t grow apart enough. Growing bored is also commonly called a “rut”. The relationship becomes routine and mechanical. Even sex can become routine. You get to know the other person so well, that it seems nothing new is happening; thus, there is nothing to talk about, and bad things start to happen when couples stop communicating. Undeclared emotions tend to fester and grow out of control. It is vital that each person retains their own individually and has extra curricular activities outside of the relationship. It is a balancing act between growing apart and growing bored. Nothing is perfect, and these two factors will emerge many times over the course of a long term relationship.



4. Unity

A long term relationship is a business. It’s an emotional, social, and economic partnership. Unity is extremely important. Abraham Lincoln once said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” He couldn’t have been more right. Life is all about survival. You have no chance of surviving if you and your partner are not united. This does not mean that you must agree on everything, that’s silly, but when life throws shit your way (and it will), you’d better be on the same page. This topic is especially relevant when you have kids. Like most things, this is not a static process and will require continual maintenance. This topic is huge, but I’ll keep it short. There is no room for self-righteous power trips in a successful relationship. Sometimes it’s better to be united, even if what ever it is doesn’t work, because the power of two is always greater one. Each person will have to give in and join the other side for the greater good every now and then. There will be cases where you go and do your own thing, against your partner’s wishes and everything turns out great, but this can lead to animosity in the other person. You need to ask yourself what you’re really working towards. Sometimes it’s better to fail together than be successful apart. No goal should overshadow the foundation on which it’s built.



5. Kids

There are two types of people on this planet; people who have kids and people who don’t. People who don’t have kids are unable to understand all the ramifications of having children. It’s a little like trying to talk to a teenager about “real life”. No offence intended to people without kids, I was one once… although I don’t remember it. Having children is a double-edged sword. Having kids will bring you to places you didn’t know existed, both good and bad. Raising kids and having kids are two different things by the way. Anyone can have a kid or make a baby (look around, they’re everywhere). Raising kids will test even the most rock-solid of relationships; it changes so much, so fast. Life before kids is so different than life after kids that many people can’t take it. Sometimes it only takes a year, sometimes it takes years and years, but eventually many couples fail because they failed to adjust. Many people simply don’t know what they’re getting into, but once you’re there, you don’t have much choice. The potential for pain while raising kids is almost a guarantee.



6. Breaking up

Unless you stay with the person you’re with right now until one of you dies, there will be a break up. I don’t think I need to say anymore about this. Break-ups are painful. Someone who once ranked very high in your psyche falls from grace, and vice versa. Feelings of failure, embarrassment, fear, and many more, are not fun. Also, there can be financial, housing, and social problems associated with a break up.



7. Divorce

Divorce differs from a simple break-up. Divorce is a legal process for one thing. It can also lead to more pain than a break up, because there was a formal, public agreement that you would stay with this person forever. Money is painful all the time, but during a divorce, former lovers can become excessively cruel and greedy. And then there are the kids again. Custody battles are painful. All the same painful feelings of a normal break up cut deeper because the commitment was deeper.



8. In-laws

When you agree to be emotionally hitched, you also agree to be connected with your partner’s friends and family. You already have your own crazy family, and now you have theirs as well! That’s twice as many people to commit to for social occasions, twice as many people to deal with on a regular basis, twice as many people who have twice as many problems and concerns. What were once only your partner’s problems are now yours too: family drama, family tragedy, illnesses, birthdays, economic needs. Not all of this is bad, but there is inherently more potential for different kinds of pain when more people are involved.



9. Money

Need I say more? Unless you’re “well off,” money will be a major factor once your finances become joined. Usually the issue is that there isn’t enough of it, but there are many other ways money can become a source of pain. Again, I don’t feel I need to elaborate on this topic. Money = pain. The trick to solving this issue is to take the power away from the money. Money itself is practically nothing; the beliefs people have about money is what causes the problems.



11. Work

Again, unless you’re well off, you will spend a large amount of time and energy at work. Depending on what you do for work, there are several different ways work leads to pain in a relationship. Scheduling is one of them. How often do you see each other? Are you spending enough time with the kids? Are you taking care of your household responsibilities? Are you making enough money? Who makes more? Who pays what? Who manages the income, and are they doing it correctly? Work is closely related to money, but it is also closely connected to growing apart, cheating, and unity. Work can become a monster problem in several different ways. For example, if you hate your job, you might always be frustrated and angry at home, or on the other hand, if you love your job and find it rewarding, you might spend too much time at it and lose touch with your partner. “Juggling” is probably more accurate than “balancing”. The important thing to remember is that love should not be in the mix of things you are juggling; love should be the force behind why you are juggling.



12. Illness

The person you fell in love with may not always be exactly the same as you knew them and/or you may not be. Accidents and illness are probably second, only to kids, in testing a relationship. When you emotionally bond yourself to another person, you are taking great risks. Their pain becomes your pain and vice versa. Are you ready to see your partner broken and sick? Would you love them the same? None of us are really ready. We don’t expect to get cancer or become mutilated in a car crash, but these things happen, and it might not always be someone else they happen to.



13. Sex

Chances are, you find your mate attractive, and at some point will have sex with him or her. Thanks to the media, which represents the average stupid person, we are saturated with sexual content. Commercialized and exploited sex is not the type of sex I’m talking about; that’s the kind of sex horny teenagers have. Anyone can do that. I’m referring to the ongoing sexual relationship between committed couples. It’s much different, and better I might add. The sexual relationship changes and grows along with the couple; however, if the relationship is not progressing, neither does the sex life, which can lead to a whole gamut of problems. The act of sex is simple. Sex in a long term relationship is not. Again, all of these factors are closely related and do not stand alone. All of these potential sources of pain interact and create countless actions and reactions.



14. Religion (faith)

My views on this topic are, what the typical person would call, too bias, because I am a Christian and have my own beliefs on this subject. All I can tell you is that the Bible, in 2 Corinthians 6:14, says believers and unbelievers should not get married. For the sake of a relationship, I think people should at least match up with someone who shares the same beliefs, even if the beliefs are, what I would consider, incorrect. Be prepared for your partner or yourself to change spiritually over the years. Sometimes these changes are easy and sometimes they are painful.



15. Death

Pain will come one way or another. In the words of Billy Corgan, “And great lovers will one day have to part.” The point of this piece of writing is not to avoid the pain, but to expect it and accept it.